Brent's doctor's appointment went well today, as far as results. All is well with his ears, physically. Psychologically, it seems he has been a little traumatized by all of this, as was apparent today with his screams of murder as soon as he caught a glance of the doctor. And when I had to hold him down so they could look into his ears - well...I'm not keen on reliving that one. So, I'm glad that with this surgery he is able to hear better and have far less pain, but I can also add it to the list of traumatic events that will shadow over his life no matter how hard I try to avoid them. You trade the good for the bad sometimes, I know. But, as most parents would probably agree, I'd like to barter parts of my soul sometimes to add the bad parts to my own lists and leave him with only happy memories.
I'd also like to take away his memories of me having to raise my voice at him after 17 times of trying to keep him from climbing up the ladder to see daddy, or erase the feelings he had toward me when he wanted to go outside and play yesterday in super-windy cold weather even though we had spent most of the day before out enjoying the warmth and sunshine, and I had to deny him. Do they make just a little white-out for times like these? I promise I will use it sparingly.
And lately I've been compiling a mental list of all the little things to write here - the things that I take for granted - the things that will slowly filter out of my memories if I don't take the opportunity to list them:
- The length of his eyelashes. I've never seen any so beautiful on any person. And each one is completely perfect as it blends in length to meet the next. His eyebrows are also so nice, with just the right shape and color.
- In his world, a cow really says "booooooo" and sheep have strange gutteral jackhammer laughs. Pigs just make funny faces and scrunch their noses up (well that one may be true, I guess)
- The way he spends that last bottle of the day just staring at me from his crib, with his foot up in the air, and his body just wiggling softly with happiness as he cuddles against his blanket and drifts off to sleep. Once in awhile, his eyes will roll back in his head as he fights sleep. And I sing the same song to him every night, the one he loves from his children's songs cd.
- When he's really happy with me, and he'll shove his bottom lip out and tilt his head back, asking for a kiss. And no matter how runny his nose may be, I always oblige.
- The way he wants to feed me from his disgusting plate - holding out some miscellaceous soggy piece of food with his mouth as open as it will go, and his eyes big, and his eyebrows high and hopeful as his whole head shakes a little with anticipation.
- The way, like this morning, he can sometimes be flowing over with sweetness: cuddling on my lap, blowing kisses, putting his little hands on my cheeks and just smiling the most wonderful smile.
I'll try to add more 'little things' as they come up.
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