Lessons

This week has been busy so far for all of us. Monday, I got a call from day care (never good news) that his ear was draining and he was fussy. So I knew his ear infection was back. Luckily I could get him into the doctor that afternoon. Sure enough, both his ears were pretty bad off again, after just receiving a clean bill of health last Friday. So we went to the pharmacy and picked up some prescriptions. He was busy chatting and flirting with some ladies there and capturing everyone's attention, which at least distracted him from wanting to get down and run through the aisles.

So we went home and did the usual dinnertime/playtime/bedtime routine, and all was well. I gave him his antibiotic drop in his ear at dinner, and his oral antibiotics with his bottle before bed to make sure he got it all. He slept for a couple hours, and everything was normal. At 9:15, I heard the familiar crying start. I went to check on him and picked him up so I could give him some pain medicine. I knew he was pretty uncomfortable laying down with that one ear draining. I tried giving him the medicine, and he took it, but something seemed wrong. And his whole body was jerking strangely, not sharp movements but smooth, every few seconds. His eyes were a little bit open, but not focused on anything, and puffy. His crying started getting muffled and robotic. He wasn't really acknowledging me, and seemed so far away and confused. I tried giving him a bottle to calm him down, but he wouldn't even let it into his mouth, like he didn't know it was there.

Worried that he was having a reaction to the medicine, we headed to the ER. I sat in the back and held him. The jerking wasn't as pronounced by now, but he was screaming and acting so strangely. By the time we got there, he had stopped jerking as much, just small tremors now and then. The chaos in the ER intrigued him enough that he stopped crying, but he still seemed so out of it. The doctor didn't find anything wrong with him, even though to me he was still not acting like himself. The doc thought that he probably had a reaction to the medicine and told me not to give him anything until I talked to his pediatrition the next day.

Long story short (or not so short, it seems) she thinks he may have had a small seizure and wants to get some testing done on him to -hopefully- find out what caused it. So he goes in to have an EEG next Wednesday. But the good news is that he has been perfectly fine since then and doesn't seem any worse for the wear. Me, on the otherhand...I'm tired and worried. He's waking up a lot at night, probably just because of his ears, and every time I run in to make sure everything is okay with a sick feeling in my stomach. Besides some colds and viruses, he's always been so healthy. I've just taken that for granted, I think. Now all of a sudden I feel like he's so vulnerable, like danger is waiting around every corner to invade his tiny fragile body somehow.

It's like that feeling when you have a small fender bender, and for weeks afterward it feels like every car you pass will come into contact with you. And then after some time when everything has gone okay, you start to feel invincible again. You take a little more risks, you worry a little bit less, because those emotions aren't as fresh in your mind.

So hopefully in a few weeks, after all the tests confirm that he is as healthy as I know in my heart he is, I will feel like we're invincible again. And all these horrible worst-scenario thoughts that creep into my head unwillingly will fall to the earth and shatter. But for now, I let him stay up a few more minutes if he's not tired. For now, I mutter a little less under my breath when he wakes up too many times during the night. And for now, I cherish every smile a little more than usual, the way I should every day, when I'm too busy to stop and notice how lucky I am.